Flying against the wind

I dont want to think about you. Dont try to contact me, because I wont pick-up your calls, I wont respond to your texts. Im sorry, but I just cant. And I hope you can understand why I have to seperate myself from the inkling of you. Of course I love you, I do, and I know I always will, but I just really dont like you right now. The last time we talked, I know I was on my pain killers, but Im glad, because I said everything I know I would make myself NOT say becasue I didnt want you to know how I felt after THAT phone call. No, Im not trying to be 'wise,' but damn. Just, think of it as advice, or-tip-from someone who truelly has been there...you are not the only one putting your heart on the fucking cutting board. I am too. And yeah-when you question the ammount-jesus it pisses me off. It was like I had to prove it to you. now how the hell am I suppose to do that? Tell me and I'll do it okay....shit......

Take me as I am....that's all I wanted you to do. but yeah, we are young-again-the fucking age comes up....take it as it comes, and see where the pieces fall...take that leap-....I just wanted you to jump for me. but-I understand...its ok....I get it...I know you want to expiriment, and I know that you want to live before settling down....but you should really think about how you are going to deliver a very important line before saying it-cause you cutt me deap-that one line.thats all it took. You need to think how you effect people before walking into a room...And as Ive said before...you need to start caring. Whatever 'caring'means to you-just do it. No questions asked...it will atleast show that you are trying (I suppose.)

I want you to know that I do think about you. but I dont cry over you. Im worried about you and I hope that you keep your head on straight and be safe about things...you know what I mean...

Ill contact you when Im ready. But until then Dude-have fun living.

I dont understand. and I dont think you know...

My mother always told me that when I find that one person, I will make time for them, I will start to see that I am sacrificing my time to actually do things with that one person because I want to be with them more and more... I have. I am. Finally I have for you. Maybe it happend too late. Well, in your thinking, too early. i love you. I dont want to date other people but if thats what you really want me to do, seeing as thats what you want to do then fine, sure, why not. Just know that I am so angry with you. I hate you. I miss you so much you have no idea. I love you and I want you here with me.

But you wont be. And you arent. I am so sad. I am nothing without you. And now that I know you are up there, and I am down here, the realizationg has become clear that you are young. WE are young, and yeah, we need to live. but I dont want to live without you. And I dont think you can grasp that concept. because it doesnt matter how much gas I spend, or how much time it takes to get to you, all that matters is that at the end of the day I am with you, and when I wake up you are there.

So, I hope you have fun 'living.;' Ill be thinking about you, and the girls that you will be seeing and doing much much more with. And I will hate it so much.

Im afraid that if I date someone that I will fall in love again, and I will get married and that will be it. No more you and I .... None....

So farewell my love, long time friend. Yes, this is it for a while. I cant talk to you, I cant read your texts. I cant. And when I say I cant, what I mean is that I need to not think about you for a while ok? I need to deal with this, I need to learn how to do this.

G-d Ryan, I love you. I am so in love with you. I dont know whats going to happen. All I know is that tomorrow I will wake up alone, in my cold room. and i will have to live.

I hope you know that i dont want to. but if its what you want, then, yeah, sure, why not?

forever and always
- your amanda

I know we kinda talk about these things. But you know me...I wont say what im really thinking, unless of course, it burps itself out before I could think about it...or im drunk
What is upsetting me is that when I say that I love you, you question it. Why do you do that? If youre worried-which you are, but you shouldnt be-why do you say it with such distain? you use your smile as if it were a hall pass and youre trying to get away with something....I love you....Stop measuring it with ammount. I know this is the first time for you, and yeah, its fucking scarey and you are putting your heart on the line-which is fragile, trust me I know...- but Im putting mine on the line too. Just remember that...
I know we arent seeing eachother.... I feel dirty, and not in a good way....I almost dont want to ask, but Im going to...am I just a constant one night stand?.....yea, you love me, but all those other girls....yeah, we are young, and we are allowed to do this sorta thing, but know that it makes me feel really uncomfortable when I have to leave you and I know that you will most likely be doing all of those things with other random girls....
I dont know what Im saying...Im just saying that I have a very long drive to make shit up, and think of the reality that we have made for ourselves...Im not telling you to stop...I actually dont know what Im saying...I guess Im saying that I hate that you question how much I love you, and yet you are in no position to be questioning it when you are with other people-and Im not.and havent been. Joy..now Im measuring it with how many girls you have, and will be with...awesome....
Please dont hate me..im just rambling..I would call you, but my phone would die since the charger is two hours away...g-d I love you.I hate thinking of you with other girls. As im sure you would be with me and other guys-if there were other guys.....

there's no one else....

by the way, on the 16th, I guess my family is going out to a dinner and a play for my birthday and for channukkah. Im inviting you...you dont have to go, but - I want to see you. and it wouldnt make sence if you came back to B-town to see me and Im back in Seattle with my family and cousins' boy friend to a birthday dinner and a comedy play...I want you to be there...it would be way amazing to see you.

Love you. Hope I didnt just piss you off.
Dudette

woah...its been forever lj...huh?

So I took a test today...I didnt really study for it...yay....im supposed to be in class right now, but someone asked if anyone had a stappler....I told her that I had to go to the bathroom and that I would take it with me to the library to stapple it...promissing I wouldnt pee on her paper.... 10 minutes later.... amanda logs on... Its only my philosophy class,,,I feel tired anyway,,,Im not paying any attention...so why not 'go to the bathroom'....right.... ?







miss you more than you know...



-manda

great...now what?

I never knew one person could cry so much

So, A new chapter has come in my life. I miss my friends so much, and I realize that its a milestone for all of us, when we get to that place in our lives. But it sucks. i hope we all stay friends becaus eit is difficult for me to realize that i wont see you guys nearly as much as i have been for the past...6 years... This is not high cshool, but I miss it. I miss thinking that at slumber parties how im never going to play truth or dare, but i always did. Or how a dance was so important to go to with that special someone, except we all went as friends anyways, even up till prom. I miss our girly nights, and I miss our happy times. But life goes on, and out of good comes bad, and good again, otherwise, we wouldnt be here right?
I feel really alone to tell you the truth. Sure I have college, and the play, im always around people, but i ... Im in a silent relationship that only works one way...i cant concentrate and I dont sleep....ever....doesnt sound good eh?...so....grreat...i cant live like this anymore..well, time for a change i guess...right??....gah............. I went skinny dipping last night at midnight...it was amazing...it was the first on my list of 'things to do this year'...next, break and eat a watermellon on the ground...mmm....

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU'RE 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST JENN JENNY BOO BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HOW DO YOU FEEL??!?!?!!???! 19!! THATS SUCH A BIG STEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY GO JENN!! GO JENN !!!!

So, my trip with my mother to new york was a complete success!!! We saw Beauty and the Beast and The WEdding singer all on Saturday....Sunday we went to long island and visited my distant jewish family!! (I HAVE DISTANT JEWISH NEW YORKIAN FAMILY!!!!) Monday and Tuesday we were just kinda fiddling around with NY and wondering aimlessly as well....Then Wednesday we woke WAY early, got a rental car, and drove about 550-560 miles to machias maine, where I was born. From Thursday to Friday I got to see the Hospital I was born in, the first house I lived in and where my brother went to elementary school....IT WAS SOOO EXCITEING!!! But then, as every trip does, ours ended with us, again, driving the same path that took us here, back to Newark New Jersey, stayed a small portion of the night, and woke up this morning around 4:15 to catch the 5 AM shuttle from our hotel to the airport.....Joy.....no breakfast OR coffee!!!....sheesh....

Well, I am worried about the rides home......I as anyone hate flying and the way here I slept and or was partially 'not there'....so i had nothing to worry about....but, i know i will be getting home just fine!!! see you all soon!! MISS YOU!!!!!!

-Manda

So...I MISS EVERYONE!!! everything over here reminds me of all of you in its own unique way....
I saw beauty and the beast and the wedding singer all on saturday..
My great granmother (who is 95) and other extended (JEWISH) family!!!!
Wandering Mahatten Garden and seeing the statue of liberty (liberty Island) and Ellis island all in one day) -m-azing!!!
And wandering around variouse parts of NY yesturday to finally get some souveneirs and such..... Time square is the most surreal thing when you see it up close and personal....You all would love it...good thing I have the technology to take pics...cause I want to blow them all up and have them all as posters!!!!

Miss you my Brisco...good luck at the race today!!!

Im sooo lost. I dont know what I should do. I hate the fact that I know what I need to do, I just dont want to do it. I probably wont. Im too much in love to.

i have so much to say, i just done know how to say it~
The trip was amazing, and bon fires on the ocean should be a weekly event...
camping was so awsome, i had a blast, although half the trip was driving, the bonding and experiences we had I will remember forever....it was so much fun...


School supplies needed....i feel so much better now that school is about to start...sometimes the summer jsut gets so boring...unless you take a drive with friends and make the best of a short camping trip....

lets do it again..like...now..

So, Yesturday I woke up by the sweetest vioce in the world. Nelson came home and rang me around 10 o clock. He told me that he wanted to take me out to dinner. anywhere that I wanted to go. He said 'not to worry about what it costs' because he wanted to pay for me. I didnt know where to go, so he suggested going to safeway and buy some dinner stuff and go to the beach for dinner as a picnic. He brought me a moose struffed animal that had a little nit sweater with the words 'I Love Montana' on it. It was amazing, As the sun was setting, and he held me in his arms I new right then and there that everything was going to be alright. That i didnt have to worry about anything anymore. That my nelson had come back to me and that I was the most happiest person on earth.
After my rainbow meeting i went back to his house and picked him up. We went to target but on the wway listened to my panic at the disco cd but he is really annoyed with it. So he bought me michael bubble. And he bought himself a movie that we took back to my place and watched. I didnt let him go until 1:30. I still miss him. I feel like it was just one of those dreams.
I drempt of him a lot. as I awoke I thought it wasnt real, but it was. And again, i was the most happiest person in the world.

G-d how I just love happy endings.

tomorrow will make five more days...SO HAPPY!!!! Im soooo excited!

Yesturday, i took my first bath in over 10 years. A couple of days ago i severally cleaned it. top to bottom. And my mother gave me Gardenia bath bubbles.....oooo......suuuccchhh a good smell. mmm....gardenia.....Anyways.....it was very luxurious.
Then i went off to work and decided that my boss is a bitch becasue not only is she not giving me my requested rainbow nights off...but my last day is NEXT tuesday...that in which of course is the only other day that I am working...meh..i hate 5 dollar pay checks..thats all..
Today as I woke up, my fisrt thought was of a bed at big lots and how it would look in my room. My foo ton (cruton) is really starting to piss me off...maybe thats why I have secret urges to spontaniously light it on fire at random times during the day.
I really want that bed on fire...yet, i really want that other bed in my room...'vat to do vat to do'...
That was random....appologies...
Im writing a dhort story for my english class. and Ive re-written it about 3 times. Yay.
Im seeing lady in the water today.
im excited.
patrick damn you..movie night-count of monte crisco....damn you..DAMN YOU!!! :)
manda

im feeling way better

Im not even that sure of antything, i mean how could someone know what the future holds? Im not even that sure i know what im dealing with and Im not that sure how to react to nothing, but what if its something ?. I feel lonely, left in the dark. Im crying but no one knows-not even me, im feeling low, but I am an actress, and I can hide that too, along fear-of the uknown, of regret. Im afraid of something that wont happen. I hate thinking in the box. Yes Im directing this comment to those who 'think outside the box...' I WAs really good at this game-but now-now im just so lost, i dont even know whats up and down-left from right. I feel numb. I feel uncharted and left behind and buisy and fearful.
oo. This will be fun. I need to get this out somehow-thanks to you who are patient.
I feel; Sad.Lonely. Without a job (that i love, but the ppl pretty much suck a$$) In the spotlight. Under a magnifying glass. Tiny. Closed in. buried. dead.light. uncaring for what matters most. plain. bland.wrong.worried.right. afraid of the unknown and the un-controlable. sick.chipper. ecstatic. alive. breathless. out of controle...no no...SPINNING out of controle..yes yes..tearless.sleepless!! Careless!! (i said that I think...) not fun. ashamed. bolted to the ground. tired. sleepy...slipping farthur and farthur away from who I need, and miss and love and care for. The person that I dont know any more. The one who made me laugh at 7 am in his drive-way. I miss the one who flirted in silence with me. The boy whome pushed me to my limit and beyond. I never knew I could feel something like all of the emotions above all at the same time. I feel good and terrible. Im lost without this person, and now that he is gone away for vacation, he is also away from me on a totally different level. He doesnt talk to me the same way- there is a specific tone that was always in his voice and now its gone. The flirting has receaded along with calls. Emotions-comments-life in all its glory is all of a sudden dismissed and what the hell can I do? I cant tell him how to act, i cant TELL him how I feel because I dont think it'll make a difference. Why do I think this? I dont know@!!! why do I think about this every breathing second?...Im so gone, and I dont even know it yet.
someone-anyone.call me at this very second. talk to me about anything because I havent thought about anything else besides this for about a month and it is exhuasting. save me from my wondering mind.

So i know that you wrote this but it sums up everything that I THINK is going on.
"So much conflict in my mind. I know I shouldn't even go there...but when you don't have anything else to think about, it just happens."

So true...so true....

I gave my two weeks notice...Remember the whole camping trip with nelsons family?...thats pretty much why I had to quit my job, not like I wasnt thinking about it anyways-but still...
I called his mom and told her that I made 'arrangements' to be able to go camping...(giving my two weeks notice from TODAY)...and she sayd ' oh, well, im so very sorry to inform you, but nelson isnt going on the camping trip!'.

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF mate?.........you JUST told me LAST night to come..WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?...Im so SO not in the mood to EVER talk to her..she is totally brainwashing me and....GAH!@...I know she isnt but still..what is going on>?...I cant think straight, i cant sleep, Im getting hives-what else is going to result to this whole summer?...

I HAVE to take my mind off of things or else.

so, I hate thinking....Like...dont get me wrong i love to think..it has its upsides..but...when influence has a token in your thoughts...it just makes it that much worse...I miss him more than I ever could miss anyone.

please...come back to me and forget everything
seasons may change winter to spring...but i love you.


please come back to me the same guy that i fell in love with...I need you to be the same but I also need you to take part in thi relationship. I need you to do what is right for you to better us.
You will never read this, and I will probably never tell you. But I hope-for some ung-dly reason that things work out for the best.

I miss you. I ll be seeing you.